To see into the darkness.

This is going to be one of those meandering posts I have from time to time.

I went and saw my psychiatrist today, him and I get on very well.  Our conversations often cross over into mental health theory and treatments.  I recently watched an interview on the ABC about torture and how it effects people.  I ended up coming home with several periodicals and photocopies from reference materials. Its quite funny but i know should he and I ever sit down outside the office we would have the most amazing discussions.

So how does this relate to the title of the post.  John made a comment of seeing the damage war and torture do.  We discussed a tipping point, a single event that before that people were normal and after that point are forever damaged.  I made the comment then comes the blackness.

For the first time in 4 years I actually started to cry in his office.  Without realizing it I had unsettled myself.  You see when I look inside me, I don't see what other people see, I see blackness, something that given an opportunity would kill me.  John was great, he kept moving on talking about what its like to see someone else darkness how it reminds him of how lucky he is.

So what do I mean by blackness.  Its a place inside my soul that is empty, empty bar the things that want to do me harm, its the place where the dark side of my personality lives, where impulse and sadistic intent live.  Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see the blackness behind the eyes looking back at me.

I am not the only one who is like this, I have learnt to see past my darkness even though at times it consumes me.  I have seen others darkness.  Mikey is a primary example of this.  I met him online and although we never met in real life we Skype daily.  Mikey was dark, very dark, his daemons controlled him.  I talked him down many a time, trying to convince him there were other ways.  I failed.  Then again looking back I was never going to win.  Mikey kept trying to end it all, but he kept failing, in the end he got it right.   When I was told, I was relieved because that place of darkness and pain had gone for him.  I wasn't glad he was dead, but I was glad the suffering was gone.  He was black inside no light no joy, he existed for the soul purpose of killing himself.  

Did it effect me hell yeah it did, it proved to me what I had always expected that some people cannot be saved, they are so dark inside.  So damaged that no matter the amount of chemical and psychological help they cannot be made "normal".  He was a prime example of someone born that way, he had known nothing but the blackness all his life.  Me I looked into the darkness, I saw those things that made him the way he way, and in doing so reminded myself of why I must fight for every breath,

I mentioned before that most people have a tipping point that brings them from "normal" to unwell.  Looking back into my darkness it happened fairly young for me.  The abuse I endured at times was more than I can take.  I have always felt empty, religion has never been able to fill the hole nor has money wealth or power.  The tipping point came for me in my early 20's.  I think I had been suffering depression on and off since mid childhood but the death of my Grandfather was the catalysis of something far more dangerous.  I awoke one morning and I had had a dream of my grandfather, and I was basically inconsolable,  I was taken to hospital and given Valium, and other drugs and nothing worked, in all it was a 7 hour event.  The breakdown of my mind.  The beginning of the deep blackness.  I was released the next day, with a trip to the GP the day after for follow up treatment. He decided it was a one off event and that I should take some time off work.

Unfortunately he was wrong, the damage done to my psyche that day was un repairable and as such for nearly 10 years I struggled with Bipolar no medications and the deep dark depression that had me looking for a way out.  This lead to the second major event in my life when I attempted to take my own life by crashing a car into a tree at very high speed.  The voices and my own darkness and lack of self worth, pushed me to a point of no return.  Where the only way I could see out was to not be here any more.

That single event was more than a cry for help, it was me enveloped, in the darkness that had become my soul, there was no light no help, no love just pain.  Yet it was also another tipping point, this time in a good way, it placed me squarely on the path I am on today.  One where for most the time I am okay I wouldn't say "normal" because that is an overused word that really has no meaning.  I have made it my purpose in life to get back on track, to get independent again, to have enough personal resources to get through the events.

When I see into my own darkness I see things that terrify me, that to indulge, would mean the end of the me I know right now.  I see things that have brought me great pain and suffering over my life.  But the scariest things are those things I don't see.  The darkness the isolation, and the cold sometimes the blackness is so thick that nothing matters any more.  That's what scares me the most.  I think that is why I got upset today, because I know there are things inside my own soul that can never be put straight.  That is a realization that hurts.  None of us like to think we are weak or have a weakness, for me its obvious I do, at times the idea of taking 20 medications a day for the rest of my life is just to hard to take.

The meds don't take away the darkness or the mania, it simply masks it.  Like foam on an oil fire the foam puts out the immediate fire but given a chance the flame will break through because the cause of the fire hasn't been removed.  Treatment is like that.  A lot of people think that just because you take meds your cured.  Let me tell you that is not the case.  It is a life long ailment. So every day of my life well or not, I open another packet of pills and swallow them down.  In the hope that it might give me the clam and peace I crave.  Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

Think about that and the ramifications that has on people.  For me any sort of normal work life is impossible. I cannot guarantee that I will be able to turn up for a shift.  Do that often enough and there is no job.  To top that off I have not worked in over 6 years.  All this adds to the darkness within.  Me I am working on a future for me, so my reliance on help ends.


A new life of independence is something I am hoping for me.  Will it happen ?  I have no idea, just try and see how we go.  I will link to the project in the future, but I cant wait till my first pay day.  That will be yet another achievement along the way to a better life.  Starting at nearly 40 seems like I have lost a lifetime already, but I don't want mansions and expensive Italian sports cars.  I just want a house I can call my own, a car that's quick in the windy stuff, and a lifestyle where if something goes wrong I can be looked after, using my own resources not someone else.  When I am down I wonder when I will no longer be a burden either way.

Okay rambling rant, soul bearing done.  Should anyone want to contact me feel free, my contact email is on the site.